Taken off the web at the "PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE" 

The largest managed care business in the Wilmington area just installed voice mail on their psychiatric hotline. Callers are prompted as follows:

"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline",

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite your ear off.

If you are ambivalent, please hang up and call back in a few minutes.

If you are comatose, stuporous, or obtunded, press each number from 9 to 1 backwards and then leave your name and number when you hear the beep.

If you would like to speak to a physician, please be advised that your plan requires a second opinion and a 30 day waiting period before you can receive this service. which has been designated nonessential.

 A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.  

Many men defy old age: they still believe they are as good as they never were.

CHEER UP!

Dear Cheer Laundry Detergent,

        I’m writing to say what a wonderful product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of my married life, when my mom recommended it to me, she said it was the best.

        In fact, about three weeks ago, while at my mother-in-laws’s house, I spilled some red wine on my new white dress.  The old bitch started giving me a lot of crap about me having a drinking problem. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white dress, as well.

        I tried to get the stain out using her bargain brand detergent, but it just wouldn’t all come out.  On my way home I stopped at the Quickie Mart and bought a box of Cheer, took it home and in fifteen minutes the stains were all gone!

        In fact, they came out so well even the DNA tests were negative.

        Well, gotta go now, I have to write a letter to the hefty bag people.

“the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

 A stockbroker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead  halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse  than usual. Nothing's even moving."  

 He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of  cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer - what's the hold  up?"  

 The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is just so depressed about all the  New Yorkers making her the butt of so many jokes, she stopped her motorcade in the middle of the freeway and she's threatening to douse  herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband is running  around on her more than ever and the Democrats told her to forget about the  presidency in 2004. So we're taking up a collection for her."  

 The broker asks "Oh really? How much have you gotten so far?"  

 The officer replies, "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still  siphoning!"

English accepted as Preferred Language in Europe  

            The European Union (an organization of 15 European Countries) has annunced that for the purpose of economic and political interest, an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications rathe than German, which was the other possibility.  As part of the agreement, the British government conceded that English spelling has room for much improvement and has accepted a five year plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish.

            In the first year, the letter "S" will be used instead of the soft "C".  Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with satisfaction. Also, the hard "C" will be replaced with the letter "K". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but komputer keyboards kan have one less letter.

            As Europeans become used to this modern language, it will be during the sekond year, when the troublesome "PH" will be replaced by "F". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

            In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

            Kountries will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "E"'s in the language is disgrasful and they would go.

            By the fouth eyar, peopl wil be resceptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" by "Z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ")" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "OU", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.  Und efterze yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas........

"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many "How To" books?         

Everything you need to know, can be learned by reading the biblical story of Noah's Ark.

·                     Don't miss the boat

·                     We are all in the same boat.

·                     Plan ahead. it wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

·                     Stay in shape. When you're in your 60's, someone may ask you to do something really big.

·                     Don't listen to critics: just get on with the job.

·                     Build your future on high ground

·                     For safety's sake, travel in pairs

·                     Speed isn't always important. The turtles were on board with the cheetahs.

·                     The Ark was built by amateures, the Titanic by professionals.

·                     No matter the storm, there's always a rainbow waiting.

·                     Keep the faith!

A quote from an old fart-

 " I've now reached the age where the happy hour is a nap"

     A French tourist in Britain found himself having to take a leak. After a long search for a men's room, he couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself.  So he went down an alley to take care of business. Before he could even get his pants unzipped a London police officer showed up.

        "Hey bloke, what are you doing?" he asked

        "I gotta pee really bad officer."

        "Well you can't be pissing here. Look, follow me" and the bobby led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.  "Here," said the bobby, "whiz away."

        The French tourist shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts peeing right on the flowers.  "Whew! Thanks. This is very kind of you. Is this an example of British courtesy?"

        "No" the officer said as he tipped his hat with his baton, "This is the French Embassy."  

A Big Girl at the Biker bar wore this T-shirt:

"I may be a bitch, but I'm the pick of the litter"  

Wow, were we lucky or what?!

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we
have......

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same
cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to
get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw
sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and
when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.

We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops and robbers,
and used our fingers to simulate guns when the toy ones or my BB gun was
not available.

Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they
failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. That
generation produced some of the greatest risk-takers and problem
solvers. We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we
learned how to deal with it all.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of
a pristine pool (talk about boring), the term cell phone would have
conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA
system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of
high top Keds (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training
athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I
can't recall any injuries, but they must have happened because they tell
us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for
stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the
halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How
much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the
school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and stayed in
detention after school and caught all sorts of negative attention for
the next two weeks. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or
condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did
give us a couple of aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the
sniffles.

What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours
wore a hat and white hose and shoes, and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was
allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation,
Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations. I must be repressing that
memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could
have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road
to some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and pieces of
plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger.
What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot. He
should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the
property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder
alarm.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got
that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent
bottle of mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a
trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of
antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for
leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we
got our butt spanked (physical abuse) ... and then we got our butt
spanked again when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked
down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks
(remember why Tonka trucks were made tough... it wasn't so that they
could take the rough berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car
with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure
that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on
two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger
they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that
mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an
automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents?

Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds
from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just
before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned
our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a
goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they
were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that
we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We
were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even
notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

2003 EDITION: YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the yard in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to
   spare a loved one.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
10.You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
11.You come back from the dump with more than you took.
12.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13.Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
14.You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
15.You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
16.You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
17.Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
18.You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
19.You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
20.You have a rag for a gas cap.
21.Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
22.You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
23.You can spit without opening your mouth.
24.You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
25.Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
26.You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
27.You have a complete, matching set of salad bowls and they all say
    "Cool Whip" on the side.
28.The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal- Mart.
29.Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
30.You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
31.You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
32.You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
33.Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
    you home.
34.A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
    improvement.
35.You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.