Del Vets Humor Page 3

Old age is when former classmates are so gray, wrinkled, bald, and they don't recognize you.

 
Redneck Body Identification
 

Billy Bob died while smoking in the outhouse catching it on fire.  The morgue needed someone to ID the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Frick & Frack.  The three good ole boys had done everything together.

Frick arrived first, and when the undertaker pulled back the sheet, Frick said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.  You better roll him over" The mortician rolled him over, and Frick said,  "Nope, ain't Billy Bob" The mortician thought that that was rather strange.

Then he brought Frack in to identify the body.  Frack looked quickly at the body and said,  "His face is burnt up pretty bad, ya better roll him over."  The Mortician rolled the body over, Frack took a good look and said,  "Nope, that ain't Billy Bob."

The mortician is really confused by this behavior and asked, "How can you tell this isn't Billy Bob?"

Frack said, "Well, Billy Bob had two assholes."

"What! He had two assholes?" said the undertaker.

"Yup, that's right.  Everybody in town knew he had two assholes.  Every time we come in town, folks would say,  "Here comes Billy Bob with them two assholes."

 

For those of you who watch what you eat...
 
Here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
    heart attacks than the Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
    attacks than the Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
    fewer heart attacks than the Americans

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
    suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
    sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks
    than the Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 



Long-Distance Calls


A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"

The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied...
"Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."

"the average woman would rather have beauty than brains,

because she thinks the average man can see better than he can think"

 

The eighty year old man was having his annual physical. As the doctor listened to his heart he began muttering, "oh, oh,  you have a serious heart murmur....do you smoke?"
"No" replied the old man
"Do you drink in excess?"
"Nope, haven't drank in years!"
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Well yes, yes I do." the old man said timidly.
"Well" said the doctor, "I'm afraid that with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking a bit perplexed, the old man said, "Which half---the looking or the thinking"

 

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are 'OUR' rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
-----------------------------------
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down..

1. Whenever possible,
    please say whatever you have to say during  commercials.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
    That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
   In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls don't expect us to
   act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways 
   makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
   We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
    expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,
    absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking - unless you are prepared to discuss 
   such topics as baseball, sports, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this;
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
    but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.


Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

 

Italians...

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?  Italians hate all witnesses.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?  On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY.

You know you're Italian when.  .  .  .
You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. 

All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

 

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:


Your grandfather had a fig tree.
You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00 .
Christmas Eve.  .  .only fish.
Your mom's meatballs are the best.
You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
Plastic on the furniture is normal.
You know how to pronounce “manicotti” and “mozzarella”.
You fight over whether it's called “sauce” or “gravy”.
You've called someone a “mamaluke”.
And you understand “BADA BING”.

 

 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or,would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way things are going to get very ugly.

A guy from Philadelphia dies and is sent to Hell. He had been a horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.
After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Philadelphian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid and you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The Philadelphian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Philadelphia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Philadelphian's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Philadelphian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The Philadelphian replies, "This is great! Just like April in Philadelphia. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the Philadelphian suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the Philadelphian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. The Philadelphian is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the Philadelphian throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell has frozen over!! This means the Eagles won the Super Bowl!