A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.



In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.



After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree ???"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only." 

                                                    

A.A.A.D.D.  

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before  I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

The body's willing, but........

Corporate Lesson 7

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.  
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.  
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!  
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. 
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
1..Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  
2..Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3.. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

The Fountain of Youth

Two 80 something year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.

The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30."

The second then asked, "can you get it over the counter."

"You probably could, if you took two pills", said the first man.

Operator 28

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to his Daughter in California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call all over.

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here.

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringing it to ya!"

About Three Knots

An old man, vacationing in Las Vegas, decides to visit a brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam, he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs.
After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers out, "How am I doing, Honey?"
She replies, "About three nots."
He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"
She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your money back!"

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

 9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

 6. It's ok when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,    because you are.

 5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

 4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

 3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

 2. Less guilt the morning after.

 1. You can do the whole neighborhood.