05/01/2008
A girl was
visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
"Reasonable
Doubt"!!!!!!!!
In a courtroom in Oklahoma, a person is on trial for murder. There is strong
evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client is
guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies
and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says
as he looks at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom," he says and looks toward the courtroom door.
The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing
happens.
Finally, the lawyer says, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty. The jury, clearly confused, retires to
deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns, and jury foreman pronounces a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I
saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman answers, "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
Air Force One arrived last week at Heathrow airport in England and President Bush and the First Lady get a warm welcome and a dignified handshake from the Queen
They are then escorted to their ride, the Queen's 1935 Bently, and are driven to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th. century carriage hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they make their way towards Buckingham Palace, they wave to thousands of cheering Britons. All is going well when suddenly one of the rear horses lets loose with the most horrendous farts ever heard. The smell was unbelievably revoltingly foul. The President and Mrs. Bush and the Queen had to use their handkerchiefs over their noses. Although all did their best to ignore the incident the Queen turns to President Bush and says, "Please accept my apology. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
The President Smiled and replied, "Your Majesty, don't give the matter another thought...If you had not mentioned it I would have thought it was one of the horses."
... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make
the Tennessee Titans ?
A recent study has shown that women dream of world
peace, eliminating world hunger, and a safe environment.
Men, on the other hand, dream of being stuck in an elevator with Pamela
Anderson, Sandra Bullock, Faith Hill, or Shania Twain.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. he doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls 911 and gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What do I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says. "OK, now what.?"
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: "Could you please pass the butter?" But instead said, " you silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."
A man and a friend are playing golf one
day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his
golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, " Wow,
that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a
kind man."
The man then stands and replies,
"Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
Two men are sitting on a bar stool. One
starts to insult the other one.
He screams, "I slept with you mother!"
The bar gets quite as everyone stops to see what the other guy will do.
The first guy again yells, "I slept with you mother!"
The other guy stands up slowly, walks over to the guy that insulted him and
says, " Go home Dad, you're drunk."
A man was bitten by a rabid dog. I went to see how he was, and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said "Will! What will? I'm making a list of people I want to bite.
There
was an attorney who got home late one evening after a
very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur
Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea
for clemency to the state Governor had failed and he was feeling tired and
depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about,
"What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you
been?" and so on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom
for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was getting his bath ready the phone rang, which the
wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of
execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a
little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the
bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent
naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at
which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out
loud woman, don't you ever stop?
A woman goes
into a pharmacy:
Woman: I'd
like some arsenic please...
Pharmacist:
That's dangerous stuff. What do you want it for?
Woman: I
want to use it to kill my husband.
Pharmacist: I can't supply you with arsenic to kill your husband! That's totally outrageous.
The Woman
then puts on the counter a photograph.
The
photograph is of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife...
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth
was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head
injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt
a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one
morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call
out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead
again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and
sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll
only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely
cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as
I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising
at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my
masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this
from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out
cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. No there are not many
things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck
naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even
worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting
loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress
their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it
all.
A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried
to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming
it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
Many
years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. it was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden".... and thus the word GOLF
entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and
Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
In
Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to
sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after
the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he
could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar
based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the
honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your
pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind
your P's and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this
will try to lick their elbow.
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but Is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This Also applies
to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or
piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which
head?)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry. (Let's just think for a minute. Is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the
other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in Tropical fish
stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first
time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes
one shudder at the thought)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and
her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that
they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines, with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... But not as great as
Guam!)
It
offered advice to grandparents with respect to misbehaving grandchildren
whose own parents let them run wild.
I
have followed your advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating the
technique I employ on my grandson when he just won't behave.
His
parents do not allow me to spank him, so I just take
him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.
Sincerely,
Tough
Love Grandpa
A PLAN FOR PEACE
Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the
perfect plan... what we need now is for our UN
Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have
not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan:
1) The US will apologize to the world for our
interference" in their affairs, past & present. We
will promise never to "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the
world, starting with Germany, South Korea, and the
Philippines. They don't want us there. We would
station troops at our borders. No more sneaking
through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their
affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free
trip home. After 90 days, the remainder will be
gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of
who or where they are. France would welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked
and limited to 90-day visits unless given a special
permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be
allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it
yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be
available to anyone. We don't need any more cab
drivers.
5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are
the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get
a "D" and it's back home, baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become
self-sufficient energy wise. This will include
developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will
require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan
wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a
while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing
countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't
like it, we go someplace else.
8) If there is a famine or other natural
catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere."
They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain,
cement, or whatever they need. Besides, most of
what we give them gets "lost" or is taken by their
army. The people who need it most get very little,
anyway.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some
place. We don't need the spies and fair weather
friends here. Besides, it would make a good
homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
9b) Use the buildings as replacement for the twin
towers.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty
school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly
Americans" any longer.
Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me
your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's
got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'You want a
piece of me?'"
- Robin Williams
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