05/01/2008

Del Vets Humor

 Page 7

"Hell has no fury like the female lawyer of a woman scorned"

Skeeter would get headaches so bad that it felt like a vise was tightening on his head. After years of excruciating pain he finally went to a doctor.

The doctor said, "Skeeter, the good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Skeeter was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in twenty years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He passed a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need--a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Lets see...size 44 long."

Skeeter laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Skeeter tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Skeeter admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Skeeter thought for a moment and said, "sure."

The salesman eyed Skeeter and said, "Lets see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck."

Skeeter was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Skeeter tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As he adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Skeeter was on a roll, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Skeeter's feet and said, "Lets see...9 1/2 E."

Skeeter was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business for 60 years!"

Skeeter tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the store and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Without hesitation Skeeter said, "Sure"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Skeeter's waist and said, "Lets see..36."

Skeeter laughed, "Ah ha! I got you!  I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34.  A 34 underwear would press on your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

 

Sixteen things that took me 50 years to learn!

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a
  laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
 has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
 would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
 never want you to share yours with them.

 5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

 7. Never lick a steak knife.

 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
 reason why we observe daylight savings time.

 10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
 suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an   actual  baby
emerging from her at that moment.

 11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other   people   to
 make a  big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of  age,
 gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
 down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

  13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
 nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

 14. Your friends love you anyway.

  15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
 built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 16. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start
 out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of
 them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with

 

Subject:  Men who hang out in bars a lot.

They have only one of two reasons to be there:  They have no wife to go home to--- OR they do.

 

SAD NEWS ABOUT BEER. YOU HAVE TO HOPE THAT THIS STUDY IS FLAWED, BUT THE EVIDENCE IS IRREFUTABLE.
YESTERDAY SCIENTISTS FOR HEALTH CANADA SUGGESTED THAT, CONSIDERING THE RESULTS OF RECENT ANALYSIS THAT REVEALED THE PRESENCE OF FEMALE HORMONES IN BEER, MEN SHOULD TAKE A LOOK AT THEIR BEER CONSUMPTION. THE
THEORY IS THAT DRINKING BEER MAKES MEN TURN INTO WOMEN.  TO TEST THE THEORY, 100 MEN WERE FED 6 PINTS OF BEER WITHIN A ONE HOUR PERIOD.

IT WAS OBSERVED THAT 100% OF THE MEN GAINED WEIGHT, TALKED EXCESSIVELY WITHOUT MAKING SENSE, BECAME OVERLY EMOTIONAL, COULDN'T DRIVE, FAILED TO THINK RATIONALLY, ARGUED OVER NOTHING, HAD TO SIT DOWN WHILE URINATING,
COULDN'T PERFORM SEXUALLY AND REFUSED TO APOLOGIZE WHEN WRONG.

NO FURTHER TESTING IS PLANNED.

 

GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
......... it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

 

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But what happened to the other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back!"

 

    I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
    I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
    And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"  What kind of question is that?  At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
    At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
    Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
    Then I hear the guy say nervously...
    "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

 

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: 

I. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 

6. If all is not lost, where is it? 

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 

8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 

16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. 

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after. 

19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT! 

20. Funny, I don't remember being, . . . absent minded...Now I think you're supposed to send this to your friends if you can remember who they are. 

Then something is supposed to happen, I think.  Maybe you get your memory back??

 

"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all."

 

How about the next time you fill out one of those job applications that ask, who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Write in: 'A Good Doctor'

 

    Doug spent most of the afternoon in the bar. Realizing that he was too drunk to drive, he smartly decided to take a bus home. He flopped on the bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with bright lipstick, and a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his soiled newspaper and began reading.  Then he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
    Already a bit perturbed the priest says, "Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap and wicked women, drinking too much whisky and contempt for your fellow man."
    "Well I'll be damned!" Doug muttered, returning to his paper.
    The priest, now feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"
    "I don't, Father. But I was just readin' here that the Pope does."

 

"Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or rested."

 

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who was the dipshit who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"


A Few Proven Home Remedies

Having trouble getting up in the morning?  A mouse trap placed strategically on top of your alarm clock snooze button will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Have a bad cough?  Take a box of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

Avoid arguing with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

Have a bad tooth ache?  Go down to your local bar, have a few stiff drinks, and then call the big ugly motorcycle guy a fairy.

To prevent a woman from choking. Pick her up from behind by the waist, turn her up-side-down, let her dress fall down, then perform the hind lick maneuver.

Sick of waiting in those long lines at the DMV?  The night before your appointment eat the hottest chili you can gobble down.

Are you a tractor trailer driver who has trouble staying awake on long trips?  When feeling sleepy, try holding a $100.00 bill out the window with your left hand.  If this doesn't work try two $100.00 bills.

Tired of those constant arguments with your wife?  After work, stop by the Quicky Liquor Mart, buy her a dozen roses for $9.95 and a bottle of jack Daniels for yourself.  If she starts up, tell her you can't hear Jack shit.

Clumsy?  Avoid cutting your fingers while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

Healthy

Is merely the slowest possible rate at which on can die.

 

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

  1. "It's strong enough for both of us."

  2. "Well, we've made it this far."

  3. "Let it down slowly."

  4. "I once saw this done on TV."

 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker approached the very elderly widow and asked, "Hold old was your husband?"

"Ninety-nine years old," she replied, "Two years older than me."

"So you're 97." the undertaker commented.  "Hardly seems worth going home, does it?"

 

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.  On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye  and said, 'Well, I'm off now.  The man should be here soon'.
    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.  'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
    'Oh, no need to explain', Mrs Smith cut in, 'I've been expecting you'. 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good  Did you know babies are my speciality?'
    Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 
    Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there'.
    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
    'Well, Ma'am. none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with there results'. 
    'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs Smith. 
    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that'. 
    'Don't I know it', said Mrs Smith quietly.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.  'This was done on the top of a bus', he said.
    'Oh my God!' Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her neckerchief.
    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well... when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with'. 
    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs Smith.
    'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. 
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'. 
    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
    'Yes', the photographer replied.  'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
    Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in'.
    Mrs Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?'
    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.     
    Well, if you're ready...I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away'.
    'Tripod?'
    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long... Ma'am?  Ma'am?   Good Lord, she's fainted!'
 


I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU


I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED, AND CONTROL YOU


I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE, AND SWEAT

UNTIL YOU GRUNT AND GROAN...



ALL MY LOVE


THE FLU

 

 

Subject: Men strike back!

 How many men does it take to open a beer?
 None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
 Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
 It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
 When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
 You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
 Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
 The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
 A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
 I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
 It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
 They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth...

 

My Last Joke Page


Hi Everybody


I'm sorry to say this but
This will be my last Joke Page

Things have been a bit tough lately
and life is getting shorter and shorter every day.

I want to take time and smell the Roses.

So I am going to quit e-mailing jokes
and travel full time with a biker gang
to see the country and enjoy life while I still can. 

Don't worry about me - they
all seem like really nice people.

It has been nice emailing you,

But it's time to say good bye.
 
 
A photo of the biker gang is  below