05/01/2008
Anyone who
starts a sentence, "With all due respect....."
is about to insult you
Life
is all about ass;
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one.
1. Only in America....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are
there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the
sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Without numbers?" The Cajun says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine." says the Cajun.
Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Each of da trees is dirty now! So its dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space again, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One 'hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred."
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one 'hundred. So when I start?"
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are
giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:
What makes up 100% in life?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.
World's thinnest Books
~~@~~
Better Safe Than Sorry
The Sex Fairy
This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. That's why I didn't want to take any chances with this one! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!
1.Sex is a beauty treatment.
Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off.
The following is an actual question given on a University
of Washingtonchemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so
profound that the professor shared it with colleagues via the
Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.
Bonus question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and
the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look
at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of
these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of
these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for
the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume
of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This
leaves two possibilities1 - If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2 - Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then,#2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
"If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular?"
At a
cocktail party one evening, a Nobel Peace Prize winner was asked whether he
preferred beer or wine. His response was, "Oh, wine by all means. To me wine
is the nectar of the Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter
fills me within a glorious sense of anticipation. When the cork is
remove and the magnificent brilliant virtuosi liquid is poured into my
glass, I inhale the enchanting bouquet and am lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to partake a magic potion and my
whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being
softly played fills my ears and I', transported into another world"
He continued, "And, on the other hand, beer makes me fart"
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conj unction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That 's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night." The priest is silent for a moment, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp." "And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man. "No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that damn smirk off your face."
On some air bases the Air Force is on
one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field,
with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from
an aircraft asking,
"What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is
on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes
to "Happy Hour."
AUTO REPAIR A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ---------------------------------------- SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ------------------------------------------ RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." ------------------------------------- KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "it's A SCARF!" --------------------------------------- BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied... "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" ------------------------------------ IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" ------------------------------------ FINAL EXAM The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet... Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers." ----------------------------------------------------- Subject: THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
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