Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing! "You mean ...", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch the Eagles game from here?"
Breast Obsession
One day this fellow notices that the woman next door likes to sunbathe
in a skimpy bikini that shows off her magnificent breasts. He starts to
water and trim his lawn every day, hoping for a peek. Finally, he can
stand it no longer. He walks over and knocks on their front door. The
woman's burly husband answers.
"Excuse me," our man stammers, "but I couldn't help noticing how
beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" His hulking neighbor replies.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts
are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those
breasts."
The burly gorilla hauls back to deck our poor guy when his wife
appears, grabs his arm, and whispers in his ear for a moment.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss
my wife's breasts."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire
hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub
his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several
minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss
'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
At Assumption Church in Pomona
last Sunday, the Rev. Michael Matveenko, pastor, continued in his
dual role as priest and intermediary between God and the
Philadelphia Eagles. He told this joke during his homily:
John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven,
God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with
a faded Broncos flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very
special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Elway felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.
Then, he noticed another house just around the corner: a three-story
mansion with a green, white and silver sidewalk, a 50-foot flagpole
with an enormous Eagles flag, and Eagles emblems in every window.
Elway looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful,
but I have a question. I was an all-pro quarterback, I won two Super
Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said, "So, what's your point, John?"
"Well, why does Donovan McNabb get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said, "John, that's not Donovan's house, it's
mine."
A three year
old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mom answered, "Not yet."
Two women, who had been friends for
years, decide to go for a Girls' Night
Out, and were decidedly overly enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly
drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were
very near
a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind
a head
stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought she'd
take
off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend,
however, was
wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin
hers, but
was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of
the
graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon. After finishing, they
then
made off for home.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and
said,
this girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came
home last
night without her panties.
That's nothing," said the other husband, mine came home with a card
stuck to
her panties that said:
FROM ALL Of US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.
*One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a
branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.*
*When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you
crying?"*
*The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he
needed the axe to make his living.*
*The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.*
*The woodcutter replied, "No."*
*The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this
your
axe?" the Lord asked.*
*Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."*
*The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked.*
*The woodcutter replied, "Yes."*
*The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three
axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later
the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and
his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" *
*"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"*
*The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.*
*"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.*
*"Yes," cried the woodcutter.*
*The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"*
*The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.*
*You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come
up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you
would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three.*
*Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three
wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."*
*The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good
and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.*
*That's
our story, and we're sticking to it*
Tech
Support: "OK Mr. Smith, let's press the control and escape
keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of
the screen.
Now hit 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I see a bunch of tabs, but I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support : "On your keyboard, Sir."
Customer : "What do you mean?"
Tech Support : "'P' on your keyboard, Sir."
Customer : "I'm not going to do that!"
Parking in the driveway after
their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a
passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped
his fly and placed her hand on his penis. Furious, Linda
opened the door and jumped out of the car.
"I've got just two words for you," she cried. "Drop
dead!"
"I've got two words for you, too," Roger screamed back.
"Let go!"
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces,nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
Tidbits Butterflies taste with their feet. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ...but not downstairs. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. A snail can sleep for three years... No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!! A dentist invented the electric chair. All polar bears are left-handed. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,including their eyebrows and eyelashes. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick his or her elbow. Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know. They will get a kick out of it!! You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
An American, a Mexican and an
Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer.
The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in
the air, pulls
out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Mexico our
glasses so
cheap we don't need to drink from the same one twice"
The Iraqi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer,
throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says "In
Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to
drink
out of the same glass twice either.
The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and
drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and
the
Iraqi and catches his glass. He says "In America we have so many
Mexicans
and Iraqis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training
at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape
since playing on my college
football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear. My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it
was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess
-- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Belinda made me lie
on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put
weights on it! My legs were
a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving
was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of
a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her
voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell
would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda
told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other shit too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel
lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late; it took me that
long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the
men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me
on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part
of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her
with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps.
And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything
that weighs more than
a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering
why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash
the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that
this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the
bitch), will choose a gift for me
that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
POOF An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. ''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.'' *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. ''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.'' *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman. ''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Now I bet you're sorry you had me neutered!''
The man gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite hunting area.
Ten Commandments:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery" and
"Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians!
It creates a hostile work environment.
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special"
was two eggs, bacon,
hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But
I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
because you're ordering
a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked
incredulously.
"I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs
home.
A successful rancher died and left
everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad
in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and
the
ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to
the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch
looks
great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agree d and went into town one Saturday
night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no
hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to takeIT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid, now...
Subject: HOSPITAL PRICING
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber..
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women,
but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
Ramblings of a Retired Mind -
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
A college student at a recent Oregon/OSU football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it wasimpossible for their generation to understand his."You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear."Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing....and uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things
when we were young - so WE INVENTED THEM, you little twit! What the heck are you doing for the next generation??"
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man grandmother. Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also! Why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that there is no God, the expression, "One Nation Under God", was unconstitutional, and further, he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this Platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him back over teacups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row.
When he regained his senses and could speak he yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."
Tim Allen, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and they haul her ass to jail."
Terrifying Experience
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to recount the most frightening experience he had ever had.
"Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India," the old explorer said. "I was pushing through the brush on a narrow trail.
Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of me! I grabbed my rifle and fired instantly, only to find that it had jammed! The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter felt somewhat embarrassed for the old man. "Under those circumstances," he said, "I think anyone would have done the same."
"No, no," the old explorer said. "Not then - just now when I went ROARRR!"NUMBER ONE IDIOT OF 2004
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
NUMBER TWO IDIOT OF 2004
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride. IDIOT!Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.NUMBER THREE IDIOT OF 2004
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.NUMBER FOUR IDIOT OF 2004
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!IDIOT NUMBER FIVE OF 2004
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
IDIOT NUMBER SIX OF 2004Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.
Give him his sign.IDIOT NUMBER SEVEN OF 2004
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Sign please.Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote, (and breed).
Yikes!
Happy BirthdayAn old man was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes - "Hello toes!", he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you're 82
today. Oh the times we've had! Remember when we walked in the park on Sunday afternoons? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello knees", he proceeded. "How are you, knees? You know, you're 82 today. Oh the times we`ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade?
Oh, the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
He looked down at his groin. "Hello Willy! Ah, Willy, if you were alive
today, you'd be 82 years old!"Bragging Rights
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and
last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm not religious."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"
