A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that there is no God, the expression, "One Nation Under God", was unconstitutional, and further, he was going to prove there is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this Platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him back over teacups from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.

The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row.

When he regained his senses and could speak he yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was busy. He sent me."

         1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them. 

         3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 

         5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 

         7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 

         9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

         11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 

         13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

         15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 

         17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 

         18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 

         19 If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

         20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 

         21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 

         22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

          24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 

         25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and you can't find

                one to save your sorry old butt.

         Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals &friends 'cause you  know they'll enjoy it &do the same!!!

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.
 

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"

A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the local race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers Compensation board.
This is a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....*

*Dear Sir: *

*I am writing in response to your request for additional*
*information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.*

*I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.*

*Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.*

*Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.*

*You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.*

*Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.*

*In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.*

*This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.*

*Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.*

*At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.*

*I refer you again to my weight.*

*As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.*

*Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.*

*I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of rocks, in pain and unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin it's journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken eggs.*

*I hope this answers your inquiry. *

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.  Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.   Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket."  
"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I  had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing."
"When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.