A little girl waits patiently in a long
line at a department store to talk to Santa.
After she's comfortably settled into his lap, he asks what she'd like for
Christmas. The little girl says, "I'd like Barbie and GI Joe, Santa."
Confused, Santa replies... "Oh, honey, Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe. She
comes with Ken."
The little girl looks up at him and says... "No, Santa, Barbie comes with GI
Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."
The elves had to revive Santa.
Dear Diary...
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!!!
Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning.The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200
miles from here!" and hung up.The husband said, "Who was
that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to
know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks
in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar..
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her
the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says,
"You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when
she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to
take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with
grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut
up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,
"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies,
"Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is
it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware"
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call
on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the
first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house
with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down
on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I
come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND
policeman."
A man walking
along a beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded
above his head and, in a booming voice, The Lord said:
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish."
The man said:
"Build a bridge to
The Lord
replied: "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The
supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The
concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust
several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said: "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied: You want two or four lanes on that bridge?
The many meanings of
P-M-S:
1. Pass My
Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood
Shift
3. Perpetual Munching
Spree
4. Puffy Mid
Section
5. People Make
me Sick
6. Provide Me with
Sweets
7. Pardon My
Sobbing
8 Pimples May
Surface
9. Pass My
Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood
Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men
Suck
12. Pack My
Stuff
My favorite one..
13. Potential Murder
Suspect
Golddigger 2006
** BLONDE COWGIRL**** **
A cowgirl, who is visiting
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at
a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters.
One is in
in
when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters
and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,
and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in
her eyes and she laughs. **"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she
explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
What Golddigger?
This equation should be taught in all math classes!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more
than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What
makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you
answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is
represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L- S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While
Hard work
and
Knowledge
will get you close, and
Attitude
will
get you there, it's the
bullshit
and
Ass kissing
that
will put you over the top!
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME
REMEDIES :
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The
blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives;
then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer, and
you will forget about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are:
You only need two things: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If
it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
another chance.
And finally:
Be really nice to your family and friends; you never
know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Oh shit!
The
boss
of
a
Madison
Avenue
advertising
agency
called
a
spontaneous
staff
meeting
in
the
middle
of
a
particularly
stressful
week.
(This
is
one
pretty
sharp
boss!)
When
everyone
gathered,
the
boss,
who
understood
the
benefits
of
having
fun,
told
the
burnt-out
staff
the
purpose
of
the
meeting
was
to
have
a
quick
contest.
The
theme:
Viagra
advertising
slogans.
The
only
rule
was
that
they
had
to
use
past
ad
slogans,
originally
written
for
other
products,
that
captured
the
essence
of
Viagra.
Slight
variations
were
acceptable.
about
seven
minutes
later,
they
turned
in
their
suggestions
and
created
a
Top
Ten
List.
With
all
the
laughter
and
camaraderie,
the
rest
of
the
week
went
very
well
for
everyone
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
Oh shit! 2
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX,
where woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the
store operates.
"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and
the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends
the flights.
There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a
particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but
you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .
.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -
These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs
and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs,
love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These
men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking
and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims,
"I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor
and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to
this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for
shopping.
Men never listen
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several
attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been
occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may
use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the
buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed
the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was
identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed
gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have
nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large
powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring
flower to this unbelievable pleasure...... The ladies restroom was
more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't
wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme
ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a
hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR
button." "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
penis is under your pillow."
CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
GOOD COCONUTS AND BAD COCONUTS ??
MAYBE THIS WILL HELP............
GOOD COCONUTS
BAD COCONUTS
HOPE THIS HELPS CLEAR UP ANY CONFUSION !!
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that moved. The boy asked "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally,the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Oh shit! 3
Subject: And God said
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said
*
*
*
"What's a headache?
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you are gonna love this
one.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new
dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full
name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the
same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before
and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way
back then??
When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old
to have been my secret crush... or was he???
After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High
School.
"Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.
"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?"
Oh shit! 4
Fishing
On Saturday morning I got
up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed
quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage
to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming
out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential
downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50mph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage.
I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather
channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put
the
boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up close to my wife's back, and quietly whispered, "The
weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that stuff?"
3 Old Guys
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the
time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old.
When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually,"
said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00.
I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said,
"Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00
and poop
every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00.
Here's a
one-question IQ test to help you decide how you should spend the
rest of your day......
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the
action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to
the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,
how should he express himself?
Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
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