Del Vets Humor

 Page 25

 

Reporters and a U.S. Army Ranger

ANOTHER VERSION:                                                         
    Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S. Army LRRP/ Ranger 
were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.  The leader of the terrorists told them that he 
would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded . 
    Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.
" The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all
 and said, "Now I can die content."  

     Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada" one last 
time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the 
music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed 
and declared he could now die peacefully.  

    Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and 
describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it 
and know that I was on the job till the end."  

     The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some 
comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."   

     The leader turned and said, "And now, Ranger, what is your final wish?"   

     "Kick me in the ass," said the Ranger.   

     "What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"   

     "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Ranger. So the 
leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.   

     The Ranger went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside 
his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his 
rucksack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all 
the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.   

     As the Ranger was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, 
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in 
the ass first?"   

    "What," replied the Ranger, "and have you three Assholes report that
I was the aggressor?

 

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the Second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross
eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,  "She's perfect, just perfect.  She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.  Months later the baby was born.  When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.  He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck… "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...  pregnant when you met her."

 

 

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size14-16.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
" Hey Bubba: Big Mike, Slim, Tiny and I went for more ammo.  Back in an hour. Don't mess with the
Pitbulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think Killer took
part in it but I locked all four of them in the house. Better wait outside."

 

Keep the Motor Running
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year
old woman was the talk of the town.  After
being married  a year, the couple went
to the hospital for the birth
of their first child. 
 
The attending nurse came out of the delivery
room to congratulate the old gentleman
and said, "This is amazing.  How do
you do it at your age?" 
 
 The old man grinned and said, "You got
to keep the old motor running."

The following year, the couple returned to the
hospital for the birth of their second child. 
The same nurse was attending this
delivery and again went out to
congratulate the old
gentleman. 

She said, "Sir, you are something else. 
How do you do it?" 
 
 The old man grinned and said, "You
gotta keep the old motor running."

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital
for the birth of their third child.  The same nurse
was there for this birth and after the delivery
she approached the old gentleman, smiling,
and said, "Well, you surely are
something else. How do
you do it?"   
 
 The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before,
you gotta keep the old motor running." 

The nurse, still smiling, said to the old gentleman,
"Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. 
This one's black." 

 

Hotel Sex

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I
thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone
booths when your calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself
Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the
right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long
graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and
figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long You name it,
we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag
of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, anything you
want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, 
but for an outside line you need to press 9."

YOU GOTTA LOVE A...New York Women

A woman from New York and another from the West coast were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from New York, 
being friendly and all, said: "So, where are you from?"

The West coast woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The woman from New York sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where are you from, BITCH?"
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked,
"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

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DEAR DAD,


IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW  GIRLFRIEND (INTER RACIAL MARRIAGES REALLY CAN WORK) BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.
 

I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH NATISER AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE LEATHERS. IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT AND ASSURES ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
 
EVEN THOUGH YOU WON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I AM, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE WINTER.

SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO. SHE ALSO TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE NEED.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO THAT SHE CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!
 
DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.
 
YOUR SON,
 JOHN

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY CENTER DESK DRAWER.
 
I LOVE YOU!
 
PS: CALL ME WHEN IT'S SAFE TO COME HOME.

                                                                   

 

 

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..........

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond
woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback,
because he can't place where he knows her from.
 
So he says, "Do you Know me?"  To  which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper
from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all
my buddies watching, while your  partner whipped my butt
with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says,
"No, I'm your son's math teacher."

 

Visit to Rome

 


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:


"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"


"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"


"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.


So, where are you staying in Rome?"


"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."


"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.


So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"


"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."


"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."


A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.


"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.


The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"


"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and


good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."


"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."


"Oh, really! What'd he say?"


He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

 

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
 
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
 
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." 
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
 
A few days LATER the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
 
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

 

All of the evidence is not in, but it appears that Secretary of State Rice may have slept with Senator Ted Kennedy.

I will send details when they become available.

All I have now is this photograph .

 

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

(This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!)
 
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School
(South Los Angeles, California) staff voted unanimously to
record on their school telephone answering machine. 
 
This is the actual answering machine message for the school.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes. 
 
The outgoing message:
"Hello!  You have reached the automated answering service
of your school.  In order to assist you in connecting to the
right staff member, please listen to all the options before
making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2 * To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press  6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation -  Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:  Hang up and have a nice day!
 

In case you can't read the small print on the red shirt: "Sex is like snow - you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last"


 

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
 
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained started talking about their kids. 
 
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in! the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
 
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

 

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair.

The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*?

Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied my self to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and 'who-ha' are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair......... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE......... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

 

 
When the man at the auto repair shop told me that it would
cost $1400 to fix my car's air conditioning, I just laughed at 
him and said, "I can fix it myself for a whole lot less than that!"

MY MOMMA DIDN'T RAISE NO FOOL !!!!!!!
 
GENERATOR = $200   AIR CONDITIONER = $150
  
INSTALLING THEM IN YOUR RAGGEDY CAR = PRICELESS!!
 
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. 
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. 

He pointed to Tammy and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
 
Tammy replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
 

LATEST POLLING SHOWS:

Forty-three percent of all Americans say

that illegal immigration is a serious problem.

The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés"