A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money -- The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better, Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits,
They want the impossible -- Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yo yo's -- No request for them, They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment,
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

Here's a Turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a  stuffing -- imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was  perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
Give this a try.


BAKED STUFFED
Turkey  10-12 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with
melted butter,  salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and
popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for  the popping sounds.

When the turkey's butt blows the oven door open and
the turkey flies across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook.

December 15

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a
partridge in  a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift.
I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes



December 16

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine - two turtle doves. I'm just delighted
at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes



December 17

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest.
I  don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.
They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes



December 18

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough?
You're being to romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes



December 19

Dear John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings;
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on  my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes



December 20

Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a
laying on my steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge, where will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop!!

Cordially,

Agnes



December 21

Dear John:

What's with you and those friggin' birds??? Seven swans a swimming.
What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and
they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous
wreck, it's not funny. So stop with the friggin' birds!!

Sincerely,

Agnes



December 22

O.K. BUSTER:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and
eight maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows.
There is cow shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smart ass.

Agnes



December 23

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist. Now there's nine pipers playing.
And damn, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset
and they're stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I
going to do!!? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Agnes



December 24

You rotten prick:

Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep
and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The Commissioner
of Building has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you,

Agnes



December 25

Listen Shithead:

What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies?
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through
the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23
of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied, the rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes



December 26

LAW OFFICES
BADGER, BENDER & CAJOLE
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction of course was total. All future correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein
at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot
you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your
arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender & Cajole